Season 1, Episode 12 (Happy Anniversary)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 12 (Happy Anniversary)

UPDATE: (Day 36)

Today is my anniversary. Last night I spent it with the new girlfriend. I had a hard time in bed. Her vagina felt wrong. 

I went over to her house. She took me on a date. She insisted she pay for everything and treat me. That was nice. I'm not used to being courted by the girl. It find it sweet. I picked her up. She put on a pretty dress. We went to a sushi place she loved. She ordered because she knows about that stuff. She spent time teaching me about the different fish meats and sauces. She seemed to enjoy that. I liked that. 

Then we went to the movies and saw Deadpool. I petted each other and enjoyed the romance of it all. I felt like we were kids pretending to be adults and it was pretty cool. I realize this is strange. I do. I realize it is strange to go from extreme heart wrenching grieving to I don't know what. I can't explain it. I realize that I'm trying to desperately to fill the hole. I understand enough about psychology to know what is going on but it helps.

I went to the doctor to get a prescription of some penis pills to help with getting an erection. I can't believe that is tied to what's going on in my head. I secretly hope it is a symptom of some dark mutation that the doctor will soon return and tell me I can fly or do something cool but the only trade off is I can never penetrate another woman. Fuck. That would suck.

I took 5 mg dosage to start off and I was getting aroused by the air so I felt good about the night. It isn't like I can't get it up its just that after I release for the first time I still have a ton of desire but I can't seem to get another erection. When I try and fail I go into this despair that makes it worst. The thing is this girl doesn't care. We spend hours just fooling around and talking and in time it pops up again and I can release again. This is how I know it is in my head. When I let go of performance worries, the fear that i'm not good, the idea that my wife is being fucked and impregnated at that very moment, shit, yeah, that one I've had dreams about, when I forget about these its like a muscle releasing and I'm fine. 

I eventually fell asleep early this morning. I know it is stupid but I wanted to ejaculate in a woman today. It mattered to me. The fact that I couldn't do it depressed me. Before I left in the morning I was finally able to hold an erection long enough for intercourse again. The only thought I had was, "this doesn't feel right." I wish day 100 would hurry up and get here already. If you haven't gone through a divorce apparently it is normal to go through waves of panic and anxiety. Those suck. Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day.

Season 1, Episode 10 and 11 (Just an update)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 10 and 11 (Just an update)

UPDATE: Falling in Love (33 days)

I went to see a therapist the other day because I had a really, really bad day. She helped me admit to myself that I fell in love with my wife in the last 6 months of marriage. I didn't even know until I had to go through this grieving process. That's the first new thing. Yeah, that was last week. Still have 4 things left on my checklist (anger, regret, shame, and closure).

Here's the deal with this. I didn't see it coming and it was done out of character and unexpectedly. I'm really hurt. I've been desperately trying to deal with it like a 20 year old. I've bounced around from girl to girl trying to see if they could just fit into my chest and make it stop hurting. Some made the crazy quiet when they were around but I still feel imbalanced and emotionally drugged.

Who knew that I knew what love was until it walked out of the front door? So yes, reader, I've decided that I'm royally fucked and this is going to take way more than a few days to get over.

Here's the real update though.

I've began a relationship with an ENTJ. I am an INTJ. Dating this person is like getting emotionally kicked in the balls for everything I naturally do. This might be the shortest serious relationship I've ever had. God, the sex is the best I've ever had.

SEX

I know I'm in trouble because i'm having issues in bed. Without being too vulgar I am struggling to maintain an erection without direct stimulation by my partner. I talked to one of the older guys I know who've gone through divorce and he told me he went through 6 months of this and had to rely on medical help to get through this time. FUCK.

I'm young. I need to have sex. It is like breathing. The person i'm seeing is fulfilling this need right now but that may end soon. I know all I have to do is go see a doctor for some meds. Problem solved. I bet this is directly related to being heartbroken. The universe has a very sick sense of humor.

Expectations

I don't know what to do. I'm not right at work. I'm not right at home. I'm not right. Under normal circumstances I can command a room and my confidence is the definition of power. I didn't live up to my wife's expectation. We never talked. This might have been more of a fault of hers than mine (no blame just reflection). The current girl expresses too much and is hyper vigilant.

I have HUGE gaps in my domestic education because I grew up the baby boy of a Hispanic mother and married a traditional Hispanic woman who took care of the cooking. I am teaching myself how to cook and learning basic domestic things one accident at a time but it is extremely embarrassing for me. It isn't beyond me. I'm just learning about this stuff late in life. This will pass. One day no one will even know that I went through all this and this experience will integrate into my being as naturally as everything else did.

Why is this wrong? It shouldn't be hard to get on that ride with someone. I usually know if someone is worth it early on. I don't judge them against my past and I don't know why I'm being measured by everyone else. I don't think I'm what this person needs or if that person even exists. I'm pretty cool but not an ideal.

I've described myself as a mix between Spock and Kirk or a Frog in Shining Armor. Yeah, I like that image of the frog. I've been kissed and I fell in love with the story of love. I'm wearing the armor but it is heavy. Where is my princess?

NOTE: If you've been reading this blog then you know where my wife is this week. Do you think she thinks of me?