Season 1, Episode 12 (Happy Anniversary)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 12 (Happy Anniversary)

UPDATE: (Day 36)

Today is my anniversary. Last night I spent it with the new girlfriend. I had a hard time in bed. Her vagina felt wrong. 

I went over to her house. She took me on a date. She insisted she pay for everything and treat me. That was nice. I'm not used to being courted by the girl. It find it sweet. I picked her up. She put on a pretty dress. We went to a sushi place she loved. She ordered because she knows about that stuff. She spent time teaching me about the different fish meats and sauces. She seemed to enjoy that. I liked that. 

Then we went to the movies and saw Deadpool. I petted each other and enjoyed the romance of it all. I felt like we were kids pretending to be adults and it was pretty cool. I realize this is strange. I do. I realize it is strange to go from extreme heart wrenching grieving to I don't know what. I can't explain it. I realize that I'm trying to desperately to fill the hole. I understand enough about psychology to know what is going on but it helps.

I went to the doctor to get a prescription of some penis pills to help with getting an erection. I can't believe that is tied to what's going on in my head. I secretly hope it is a symptom of some dark mutation that the doctor will soon return and tell me I can fly or do something cool but the only trade off is I can never penetrate another woman. Fuck. That would suck.

I took 5 mg dosage to start off and I was getting aroused by the air so I felt good about the night. It isn't like I can't get it up its just that after I release for the first time I still have a ton of desire but I can't seem to get another erection. When I try and fail I go into this despair that makes it worst. The thing is this girl doesn't care. We spend hours just fooling around and talking and in time it pops up again and I can release again. This is how I know it is in my head. When I let go of performance worries, the fear that i'm not good, the idea that my wife is being fucked and impregnated at that very moment, shit, yeah, that one I've had dreams about, when I forget about these its like a muscle releasing and I'm fine. 

I eventually fell asleep early this morning. I know it is stupid but I wanted to ejaculate in a woman today. It mattered to me. The fact that I couldn't do it depressed me. Before I left in the morning I was finally able to hold an erection long enough for intercourse again. The only thought I had was, "this doesn't feel right." I wish day 100 would hurry up and get here already. If you haven't gone through a divorce apparently it is normal to go through waves of panic and anxiety. Those suck. Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day.