Season 1, Episode 9 (Belly Full of Turkey)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 9 (Belly Full of Turkey)

The Pregnancy Scare

In this episode, Lily and Marshal go home to St.Cloud, MN for Thanksgiving and have a pregnancy scare. Ted, Robin, and Barney spend time at a soup kitchen for Thanksgiving. Lately, I've been going on to the dating online scene. Here are some thoughts I've been struggling with that I don't know who to share with.

First, my wife and I's sex life was ruined by the pursuit of children. We tried for five years unsuccessfully. Medically, we're both able to but it never happened. In the end, having sex was depressing. I could look into her eyes and see her asking me, "what's the point?" We're both 34 years old and I know she regrets being with me. That hurts. I want kids. I do. I didn't in the beginning and she was ok with that but somewhere along the way it became a deal breaker. That's unfair. I hope she has her kid. She'd be a good mother.

Second, this kid thing is looming over me as i'm encountering a sea of guarded single mothers. Looks I like a showed up to the party too late because everyone seems so angry. I'm this open-hearted guy, with nothing to hide, meeting people who assume I'm like everyone else they've encountered.

Here's the deal. I do want to have sex with you if i'm attracted to you and that should be OK. Otherwise what's the point? Isn't that part of a relationship leading to marriage? I am not going to try to trick you or deceive you. I don't do that. It is a matter of character and I'd like to think that I have some. When I look at your profile I want to connect not audition because it goes both ways.

The single mothers are new to me. How do I fit in their lives? It has been said that the greatest threat to a man is the creation of a child because in doing that they are bringing into being the person that their wives will love more than them. For women living established lives that do not need a man where do I fit in their lives? For women unestablished, my job and home are an aphrodisiac. I am going to miss the woman that was with me when I was nothing. There was comfort in not having to doubt that motivation. Even now, she has remained true to her word. We are doing a no contest divorce with everything divided by half. If everything goes as planned I should be divorced by May or June with minimal headache.

I tell you all this because after you eliminate all the single mothers, older divorced women, you are left with very few unmarried single ladies with kids. This is depressing. Who among you would be interested in going out with a short Hispanic guy with a nice smile and sad eyes only to one day have the pleasure of enjoying 45 seconds of disappointing yet entertaining fun that might lead to something long term in which whose spawn if ever implanted might be the antichrist? Dear lord. WTF?

Thanksgiving
Ted says that his thanksgiving didn't go well but that having people in his life is what made it possible to get through the rough spots. I don't have anyone. Every holiday I spent it alone since we lived in a very small town. We moved to Dallas recently and i'm still meeting people here. I have friends from high school but not anyone who I can call and talk to.

Episode 1, Episode 8 (The Duel)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 8 (The Duel)

The Duel VS Change (Day 22)

In this episode, Ted struggles with change when Lily moves in with him and Marshal. Marshal and him end up in a sword duel at the end that brings them together as they both deal with the changes that are happening in their lives.

This is where I'm at in life. I'm struggling with this change I've facing. I wish I hadn't snooped because in the first two weeks prior to the creation of the blog I was dealing with being alone. I was OK with the way everything ended. I was ready to tackle the daunting task of evolving into the 30s me. FYI: I struggle everyday with learning to cook. A topic for another day. 

Tonight I write you after another serious trigger. My wife took the remainder of her stuff and our dog. His name was Teddy. This isn't a picture of him but this is what he looks like. He's adorable. We've raised him since he was one month old.

I didn't think I would miss the dog as much as I am. Oh, boy. I'm so glad none of you know who I am. So here it is. I'm still evolving except I'm limping along with a bit of a heartache. The anxiety attacks come and go but not as bad as the first week. I'm writing here, using Tinder to talk to strangers, and working like crazy. I'm sleeping well. Peacefully. I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night scared of the dark and sad when I realize I'm alone in bed. I've gone out but I'm still talking about my wife. The exception is that I'm only meeting up with friends and new friends who know what's up. I'm happy to report that by doing this I've been able to keep crazy at bay and be normal during work hours where my professionalism is important to me. 

I still haven't been able to go to the shop to play a game in over two months. I'm not ready. I don't know why it is so hard except it was core to one of our issues. She hated that I went to the shop. I left her alone way too long. I don't think this will be resolved until I do the whole confrontation thing and the goodbye closure thing. I know I'm not right because I'm not doing anything that is normal to me. 

Music listened to while writing:  Eric Clapton, 

Season 1, Episode 7 (Matchmaker)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 7 (Matchmaker)

My Only Match

In this episode, Ted goes to a matchmaker and discovers that his only match is getting married. Dear reader, I don't have a deep connection to this episode so I'll cover some highlights then use this entry as an excuse to give an update.

Somewhere along the way I accepted this feeling. I didn't think about it much actually. I was resigned to the decisions I'd made and that was that. Kind of depressing. Now? I don't feel that way anymore. Everyday that passes I'm discovering new things about myself and the world that I like. Like yesterday, I decided that that I like color. I went searching for waste baskets at a thrift store and now i'm repurposing some colorful ones that are totally masculine and colorful. 

As for the matchmaker thing, I'm not sure I subscribe to the only one theory. In the episode, everyone gets a match rating. OkCupid does something similar. I don't think the number is supposed to me that they are the one but more that it gives you an indication of those similar to you that you get along with. I wish the world had the rating. Like wouldn't it be cool if we had badges that gave our name, criminal history, and people compatibility rating? Super cool. I don't just mean romantically. I digress, I think it is pretty cool to see the answers other people give compared to yours on OkCupid. Enough of this. Update time.

Facing Solitude

I did it. No, I didn't find a one night stand or a FWB. More on that later. I contacted my wife on Saturday. In five text messages, I made arrangements for her to do our taxes, transfer phone responsibilities, and arrange for her to come get the leftover stuff she left behind. It was overwhelming. This has been looming over me the entire week. I need this to be over. Its like breaking up all over again every time this person pops up and the idea that I'm going to look at the phone and get a message is hard.

Friday I was thinking about this and feeling bad so I decided to go to a bar. (Read blog entry Season 1, Episode 6 for a recap of my state of mind. ) In fact, I decided to visit three bars just for good measure. One thing to note is that I'm a 5 foot 2 inches Hispanic diabetic that can't drink, hates bars, and is scared of people.

I was going to try to execute my FWB plan. I drove around until I found a bar near my home. I parked. I did some breathing exercises in the car. I walked in to see everyone in fancy suits. I was wear t shirt and jeans. Is this normal? 

Four really tall black guys greeted me as a giant would a hobbit and when they spoke I swear that the Dwarfs in the mountains could hear it. I immediately surmised that I was in the wrong place and left. I came home. That was it.

I went home to face the solitude. I reflected about what was going on and realized that I just needed to get this next thing over it and that no woman's vagina was going to help me send that text. (Don't get me wrong, the force is strong with me but I don't think I'm going to find that and I can't do the serious relationship right now because my heart hurts.)

This means that I put a clock on getting my condo in order. She will be here next Saturday at noon. I have to go through the rest. That's been hard. I keep finding pictures, papers, her crap everywhere, and it makes me sad. To combat this effect, I've decided to nerd out my condo. My going through stuff is now about me and my new life. I'm rearranging things and planning for what will go on the walls and future projects to work on. I guess in psychology they call this 

Here's the wiki entry on it.  

In psychology, sublimation is a mature type of defense mechanism where socially unacceptable impulses or idealizations are unconsciously transformed into socially acceptable actions or behavior, possibly resulting in a long-term conversion of the initial impulse.

That's it for now. I word to people reading this blog. Thank you. I know for a fact a few people are reading. Keep reading. I know it is deeply personal and kind of cool in a watch a car wreck sort of way. I'm cool with you being here. I'm trying to get better. I'm healing and your presence is helping. If you feel like leaving a comments below please do so. I may or may not respond.

Season 1, Episode 6 (Slutty Pumpkin)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 6 (Slutty Pumpkin)

The Slutty Pumpkin

I'm not quite ready to talk about my idealized woman. I'm not sure yet.  Ted waits every year on Halloween for this girl he thinks is the one. It is totally lame but romantic. I gave up a long time ago that I could feel this way. However, the one gift that I've been given is intense pain. I love it. Sort of. I haven't felt anything in years. Do you know what this means? I can feel passion. I can be romantic. (If you ask my wife she'll tell you i'm incapable. Irony) There's hope for me. There's a slutty pumpkin out there for me.

How to Get Over Your Ex

OK, here's my plan. Before I can go for the slutty pumpkin I have to work my emotional plan. I have to figure out how to get over my ex. I have to process each emotion and deal with it. I want to be healthy. I'm happy to report that all the things that were causing me anxiety from last week have subsided. Now? I think I'm ready to process the cheating.

I've been going to a Tuesday night divorce support group. They gave me a checklist that I must overcome before I can start dating again. (I've lost the paper. I'll pick one up in another week and post it).

I'm OK with 12 out of 16 of the things. Seriously. I've sort of been alone for a while. Whining on an Internet blog aside I'm pretty awesome in life. To steal a line from a friend (cause it is true), "I  go back and forth from raging narcissism and crippling insecurity (thanks friend)."

Here's the deal. I need to see my ex a few times before this is all over. She doesn't know that I know about her cheating. Before I moved her out we agreed to half and half and I'm good with that. I keep our condo. Before I can have closure on this thing I need to find the strength to see her and not give it away. I don't want to fight.

I've asked to not be contacted by my wife. It messed me up the first text I got from her. I got rid of all her things that reminded me of  her in our home. I've boxed some things up but it is a process. You're saying goodbye through this and it is completely normal. I'm currently working through taking back all the rooms in the house. So far, I've done 70 percent of the home.

I have sex issues but those will be resolved easily enough. It is about false insecurities that resulted from this experience. I've decided that I love being in a caring monogamous relationship. The sex is always great. It is warm and comforting and with the right girl can be fun and playful as well. I will have this again one day.

As Ted says, "I know that the love of my life isn't just going to magically walk through that door at 2:43 am in the morning but this seems as nice a spot as any." That's right brother. Waiting. That's the hard part.

Anyways, I tell you all this to explain my next step. I really want to find a willing rebound. It isn't about the sex. Its about change and healing. I can't get the images of her new lover laughing at me out of my head. It hurts. From the logs, this guy is obsessed and joyful with taking someone's wife. My poor little wife is so emotionally needy right now that she can't see that she's just a trophy. She's an accomplishment. I hate her for allowing this to happen. He's laughing! I've buried this over the last week as I was getting used to learning to cook and being alone.

When my wife texted me it was to ask about coming to pick up her stuff. She left her wedding dress. It is sitting in the dinning room under a blanket. Here's the deal. I have accepted that this isn't personal. My wife did not wake up one day with the intention to hurt me. She's been respectful and as careful as one can be during a break up. I recognize that she needed this to give her the strength and I didn't stop her. I wanted out too. However, I hate her for allowing this man to dishonor her and by proxy me.

And there you have it. I keep thinking if I power level myself up with experiences that I'll find the strength to see her again. I need to do our taxes. I need to fake a conversation to get her to sign the decree. I need to tell her that I know. That's the most important part. Before I can pursue my slutty pumpkin, I need to do all of this. I need closure.

Fuck. I'm not that guy. I need to be.

So reader if you know of someone contact me. Thanks to the few who are reading this blog. It helps to know that I have a small audience. Leave a response.

LVL10GoodGuy in Dallas, TX

Season 1, Episode 5 "Okay Awesome"

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 5 (Okay Awesome)

Dipping Stuff in Cheese with Boring People

I get it. Why is there such pressure to evolve into an adult state? I never got this. Somehow there seemed to be a rush to get the car, the house, and the kids. I never understood this at all. I am perfectly ok with living on a boat with the bare minimum. There's really not much in life that I need except the right girl. I hated this phenomenon. I don't have a deep insight for you on this one. Let's move on.

Okay Awesome
For the last few years I wanted to be free to go be awesome. It was never an option for me. My wife was so boring, the queen of boring, of Boredville in the Kingdom of Bordenium. It was one of the central reasons why we're not together or why I didn't want to continue the relationship. Here's the deal I'm different and I don't have any interest in going out except if it is in the pursuit of some physical love. If I can get that from a woman I'm all good.

Today is the first Friday I spent alone. I ate, watched TV, then cleaned out the master bathroom. I moved my stuff in there and cleaned out all her crap. It feels like its mine now. God, I want to get laid. I want to rest my head on some one's chest and hear them breathe. I want it to be OK. I want to be OK. My chest hurts. I struggle with my hormones and the crippling fear of leaving my home. It is so comfortable here. Just saw a movie called "This Thing with Sarah" Awesome movie. Totally speaks to my situation. I would love nothing better than to find a rebound girl I can't hurt. That's the catch. I can't use anyone. I am immensely honest. The guilt would kill me. I can't bring harm to another if I can help it.

What do I do, dear reader? I have never been to a bar or done the night scene. Should I go? I don't drink. I'm a small guy. Someone can hurt me. I don't know.

Season 1, Episode 4 (Return of the Shirt)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 4 (Return of the Shirt)

The Return of the Shirt

In this episode. Ted finds an old shirt. The shirt represents his changing life tastes. I think most people can relate to this change in their late twenties and thirties. The group encourages him to revisit girls he previously dated. I did this almost immediately even though I was heart broken. I was filled with this overwhelming panic to find someone. I looked up my last girlfriend. Let's call her Mika, a girl who dumped me because she was going off to another college and didn't want to commit but later spent years wanting me because she thought she had made a mistake. She married in 2013. Check.

Next, I knew my first college girlfriend had married in 2009. We remain friendly to this day. In fact, I'm still friends with all my exes. Finally, I looked up Mona who was a high school girlfriend that cheated on me with my best friend and then got dumped by him when he got her best friend pregnant. Mona contacted me in 2010 but I was married. I caught up with her at that time through messages to find out what had become of her. I told my wife about it. She had divorced and I think she was reaching out to me because she was going through what i'm now going through. I get it. 

Ted revisits a girl he broke up because he has this theory that his taste had changed over time but as they rekindle he realizes that she's not the one.  Mona is like the old shirt for me in that I like the idea of what could have been but things happened and as I followed her Facebook I realized that she would annoy the crap out of me. All that was left was the fantasy.

My wife and I grew apart many years ago so much so that we lived entirely different lives in the same house. I never held her hand, gave her a kind word, and sexual frustration led me to blow her off. From reading the logs, I know what happened in the final days. She reconnected to her first boyfriend, a cousin in Mexico. Her cousin sweet talked her and she fell for it. She needed that so bad that it awoke passion in her. She used that strength to leave me. I get it because I hoped for that years ago. The 57 pages of logs reveal that my wife and subsequent divorce is a huge accomplishment for him. He laughed at the fact that he stole another man's wife. Subsequent logs shows that my wife has a fantasy of running away from her life in the United States, where she is a professional to Mexico, with a guy who sells gum and ice cream. I know I shouldn't care because its not my responsibility but I don't think it will turn out well. She deserves her dream but with a good guy.

At the conclusion of the episode, Ted talks about the upside of hurt. The girl he dated then dumped married a year later. I am hurt. I am trying to stay afloat. I live my life as if I was dying because of illness. This is something we'll talk about later. I promised myself to live my bucket list because I may very well be living the bucket list. My wife was trapped in living some formulaic lifestyle that included career, marriage, and kids. It drove her insane. Me? I'm happy living a mininmalist lifestyle as long as I have the right woman in my life. She's home. Not the car, the house, or the job. With her I can do anything. I don't think the return of the shirt fits my situation. I am in my mid thirties. I look forward to rediscovering people with a brand new set of eyes. Hopefully, I can grow up to become the man I want to be.

Season 1, Episode 3 (The Sweet Taste of Liberty)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 3 (The Sweet Taste of Liberty)

The Ring

Marshal tells Lilly to take off her ring so she can enjoy her night. He doesn't appear to be jealous. The episode becomes about her turning to other men to validate her. I think I'm there now. I moved my wife out of the condo this Friday. I helped her find a place. I helped her move. It was nice. We were friends once.

She said I have permission to date. I can't do it. I ache to be touched. To have my back rubbed as I bury my face in the bosom of some faceless woman. But I don't want her to be faceless. I keep thinking that no one else will want me. The support group tells me that this is normal. In my case, it might be true. I'm not bad looking. I'm just short. I was that kid the teachers were told to keep me away from pretty girls in junior high because I had debilitating stomach cramps. It was nice not having to worry about dating for a while. My metaphorical ring has been lifted if not still trapped by the paper filed in some obscure court. This call this freedom.

As for Lilly and Marshal, I think people get too comfortable with each other. That passion has to live. It has to thrive in balance between insanity and reasonable control. I was so afraid that I might get hurt early on that I harden myself against the possibility. The irony is that the woman who I thought was a saint left for another man.

Random Memory: Lilly takes her ring off because she is focused on how attractive she is to the opposite sex. My wife's ring came from a silver shop in Italy. We're not rich. Wait for it. We were school teachers and we took some kids over seas on an educational tour and the trip was an elaborate engagement. All my school kids were in on it. I knew I could never afford to give her something she deserved so I double dipped our trip. Even after I got her a diamond ring, she seemed to cherish the cheap one. Now that we're divorcing I wonder what she'll do with it. It is going to be odd if she goes through relocating to Mexico. Fuck. That stings.

Side note: I've never worn a wedding ring in the five years we've been married. I hate jewelry but maybe it is something more. I never wanted to wear it. I don't know why. It is on my list of things to discuss with a therapist though they'll most likely tell me that I didn't want to be married in the first place. I guess it might have something to do with the namesake of the episode, "The Sweet Taste of Liberty."

In the end, Marshal is jealous. It is really romantic. It gets me. Liberty is a funny thing. Some want it and others can't wait to give it away. To be single or to be with someone you know not of? Ah, that is the question. I'm not so sure it is as sweet as I thought it would be. Hopefully, in a year when I've processed some and I'm ready to date I will have a different view.

Season 1, Episode 2 (Purple Giraffe)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along)Season 1, Episode 2 (Purple Giraffe)

Robin and the Party

Barney keeps encouraging Ted to go for any other girl that isn't Robin. I think that even good guys deal with this issue. I spent 7 years waiting for my girlfriend to decide to leave before I decided to let go of some commitment issues and get engaged. All the while I looked at other women and compared. I was terrified with just having sex with her for the rest of our lives. Over time she let herself go but I resolved to find the beauty in her where I could to make it work.

Side Note: I think she's beautiful even though she doesn't think that I do. That's messed up. It isn't about the looks.

When Barney suggests to Ted to go after the hottie, I think all guys go through that somewhere deep inside. I'll tell you what happened along the way. I didn't have a hard time with my wife because I was having this superficial battle with her looks. No, it was because I grew this resentment that my wife didn't care enough about my desire for her. She wasn't in it either. We had moments where we discussed doing things to make it better but nothing changed. 

She'll tell you that I fell back in the same pattern of avoidance and anger which threw her into a pattern of self loathing and anger. now i wish I could have spared a kind word. I'd try to fix things like scheduling my time better but we never did the real work. It was like trying to recreate a great work of art in the dark from memory. I wish we had talked to someone to work out the sex issues too. I'll write more about this as I'm sure I will be dealing with it for years to come. I would have been happier.

Robin never comes to the party in the way Ted wants. Ted waits for her. I admire him because he worked so hard to get what he wanted but he was the only one trying. I think at times my wife and I traded that honor.

Robin and the Roof

Robin's fear of commitment is the plight of every twenty something. When I first got with my wife I knew that kissing her was something serious. I have never tricked a girl into bed with me. I don't drink, smoke, or do anything otherwise fun that most frat boys require to sleep with women. My wife lost her virginity to me and I knew going in that I wasn't going to play with her. I felt like it was the right thing to do. It was an honor. We talked about all the fears and deal breakers on our roof. I told her I'd never wanted to get married and that I didn't want kids. Most people will judge me on that one. I know. Just because I didn't believe in marriage doesn't mean that I didn't believe in romance and commitment.

Over time, I got married. In time, the kids issue became a deal breaker. I hate her because now I want kids. I'd be a good dad. Truly. We should have stuck to the promises we made to each other on our roof but biology got in the way.

Season 1, Episode 1 (Pilot) Introductions

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along)Season 1, Episode 1 (Pilot) Introductions

Welcome to my blog. I hope it promises to be entertaining for you and cathartic for me. Welcome to the pilot post, the introductions, the setup. So here it is. I am going through a divorce and about to enter the confusing world of single life in the modern era after 13 something years (exact number is known to her). I need to talk to someone.

I propose to put my thoughts down in electronic form as I go through each episode of the TV series, "How I Met Your Mother." I plan on revealing only what is core to something I'm reflecting on in the episode as I process my divorce.

I would like to work through all the anxiety I'm feeling and leave behind some cultural relic for others. Part of me wonders if there's someone out there going through the same thing halfway across the world in a romantic "Hopeless in Seattle" type of thing. If any of this helps then maybe I would have left the world a better place.

There you have it. Let's talk about some ground rules with this thing. I will write as many posts as I need to as long as it is a healthy activity. I will be raw. And I will be honest. I selected "How I Met Your Mother" because Ted Mosby is my spirit animal. I look different but I am like him in the way he expresses himself, is navigating single life, and in the desire to meet a Robin Scherbatsky of my very own.

I alternate between a level 2 anxiety and a full blown panic attack. I discovered this Valentine's Day morning that my wife left me for her cousin in Mexico. I couldn't leave well enough alone and I dug. I'll explain as needed. For now, I hope you get the premise of this blog. This activity helps me settle a bit. I see the show, stop and think, then figure out a way to best present that in writing. That is helping. I welcome you to this blog. I'd be honored to have you as a reader.

Ted Mosby VS LVL 10 Good Guy

The show focuses on the single life of Ted Mosby and his friends during their twenties. I am now 34 years old dealing with divorce. I sort of skipped my twenties and never really dated. I was in the dorms when I met wife. She was this inexperienced girl from a VERY traditional Mexican family. I was learning to live on my own, having left my first roommates to get my own place and getting by. The support group I've started to go to tells me that the age you got into the relationship is the dating age you are when you get out. Fascinating! I'm in my early 20s.

Really? I'm 34, buying a condo, career, and car. I am a sir. I am also a super pop culture geek. If the guys from the "Big Bang Theory" had a love child with the cast from "How I met your mother," I would be the offspring.

I am a comic book, Magic: The Gathering playing, board game collecting, Walking Dead watching, comic convention geek with social skills. This is why I am the LVL 10 Good Guy. Not a wizard. Not a Knight. A good guy. That's me. I'm the guy in a comic shop that brings all the awkward ones together to make sure captain sweatpants and socially awkward guy get along and have someone to play with.

The Olive Theory

Marshal gives a speech about marrying Lilly. He says he's not scared of being with her for the rest of his life. That's so romantic. I want that. In my twenties, I successfully avoided getting engaged for seven years because I was afraid. I knew then that she wasn't the one. I didn't ache to be with her but nothing happened bad enough to leave. I don't know if there's a prescription for how people fit together. My wife and I prided in being complete opposites but in time the divide grew. It was supposed to work. She hated Olives. I liked them. We complimented each other. We didn't like any of the same things to the point where I felt bad for liking the things I do. I liked Olives. They were stupid to her. I haven't been able to play a game of magic or watch a new show in weeks because I feel that it all somehow got me to where I am today.

I like Olives. Do I need to find someone who absolutely loves Olives too? I don't know. I'm kind of in this weird head space where I want a geek girlfriend. But when I think about what really matters all I want is someone that can communicate well in all aspects of the relationship. If we can talk then I can be secure and be that partner she needs me to be in return. All of it falls in line. All the sex stuff. All the insecurity. All of it boils down to communication. My wife is so introverted that I couldn't get a word out of her so I lived a separate existence. I think that is why Lilly and Marshal work. For them, an olive is just an olive.