Season 1, Episode 12 (Happy Anniversary)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 12 (Happy Anniversary)

UPDATE: (Day 36)

Today is my anniversary. Last night I spent it with the new girlfriend. I had a hard time in bed. Her vagina felt wrong. 

I went over to her house. She took me on a date. She insisted she pay for everything and treat me. That was nice. I'm not used to being courted by the girl. It find it sweet. I picked her up. She put on a pretty dress. We went to a sushi place she loved. She ordered because she knows about that stuff. She spent time teaching me about the different fish meats and sauces. She seemed to enjoy that. I liked that. 

Then we went to the movies and saw Deadpool. I petted each other and enjoyed the romance of it all. I felt like we were kids pretending to be adults and it was pretty cool. I realize this is strange. I do. I realize it is strange to go from extreme heart wrenching grieving to I don't know what. I can't explain it. I realize that I'm trying to desperately to fill the hole. I understand enough about psychology to know what is going on but it helps.

I went to the doctor to get a prescription of some penis pills to help with getting an erection. I can't believe that is tied to what's going on in my head. I secretly hope it is a symptom of some dark mutation that the doctor will soon return and tell me I can fly or do something cool but the only trade off is I can never penetrate another woman. Fuck. That would suck.

I took 5 mg dosage to start off and I was getting aroused by the air so I felt good about the night. It isn't like I can't get it up its just that after I release for the first time I still have a ton of desire but I can't seem to get another erection. When I try and fail I go into this despair that makes it worst. The thing is this girl doesn't care. We spend hours just fooling around and talking and in time it pops up again and I can release again. This is how I know it is in my head. When I let go of performance worries, the fear that i'm not good, the idea that my wife is being fucked and impregnated at that very moment, shit, yeah, that one I've had dreams about, when I forget about these its like a muscle releasing and I'm fine. 

I eventually fell asleep early this morning. I know it is stupid but I wanted to ejaculate in a woman today. It mattered to me. The fact that I couldn't do it depressed me. Before I left in the morning I was finally able to hold an erection long enough for intercourse again. The only thought I had was, "this doesn't feel right." I wish day 100 would hurry up and get here already. If you haven't gone through a divorce apparently it is normal to go through waves of panic and anxiety. Those suck. Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day.

Season 1, Episode 10 and 11 (Just an update)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 10 and 11 (Just an update)

UPDATE: Falling in Love (33 days)

I went to see a therapist the other day because I had a really, really bad day. She helped me admit to myself that I fell in love with my wife in the last 6 months of marriage. I didn't even know until I had to go through this grieving process. That's the first new thing. Yeah, that was last week. Still have 4 things left on my checklist (anger, regret, shame, and closure).

Here's the deal with this. I didn't see it coming and it was done out of character and unexpectedly. I'm really hurt. I've been desperately trying to deal with it like a 20 year old. I've bounced around from girl to girl trying to see if they could just fit into my chest and make it stop hurting. Some made the crazy quiet when they were around but I still feel imbalanced and emotionally drugged.

Who knew that I knew what love was until it walked out of the front door? So yes, reader, I've decided that I'm royally fucked and this is going to take way more than a few days to get over.

Here's the real update though.

I've began a relationship with an ENTJ. I am an INTJ. Dating this person is like getting emotionally kicked in the balls for everything I naturally do. This might be the shortest serious relationship I've ever had. God, the sex is the best I've ever had.

SEX

I know I'm in trouble because i'm having issues in bed. Without being too vulgar I am struggling to maintain an erection without direct stimulation by my partner. I talked to one of the older guys I know who've gone through divorce and he told me he went through 6 months of this and had to rely on medical help to get through this time. FUCK.

I'm young. I need to have sex. It is like breathing. The person i'm seeing is fulfilling this need right now but that may end soon. I know all I have to do is go see a doctor for some meds. Problem solved. I bet this is directly related to being heartbroken. The universe has a very sick sense of humor.

Expectations

I don't know what to do. I'm not right at work. I'm not right at home. I'm not right. Under normal circumstances I can command a room and my confidence is the definition of power. I didn't live up to my wife's expectation. We never talked. This might have been more of a fault of hers than mine (no blame just reflection). The current girl expresses too much and is hyper vigilant.

I have HUGE gaps in my domestic education because I grew up the baby boy of a Hispanic mother and married a traditional Hispanic woman who took care of the cooking. I am teaching myself how to cook and learning basic domestic things one accident at a time but it is extremely embarrassing for me. It isn't beyond me. I'm just learning about this stuff late in life. This will pass. One day no one will even know that I went through all this and this experience will integrate into my being as naturally as everything else did.

Why is this wrong? It shouldn't be hard to get on that ride with someone. I usually know if someone is worth it early on. I don't judge them against my past and I don't know why I'm being measured by everyone else. I don't think I'm what this person needs or if that person even exists. I'm pretty cool but not an ideal.

I've described myself as a mix between Spock and Kirk or a Frog in Shining Armor. Yeah, I like that image of the frog. I've been kissed and I fell in love with the story of love. I'm wearing the armor but it is heavy. Where is my princess?

NOTE: If you've been reading this blog then you know where my wife is this week. Do you think she thinks of me?

Season 1, Episode 9 (Belly Full of Turkey)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 9 (Belly Full of Turkey)

The Pregnancy Scare

In this episode, Lily and Marshal go home to St.Cloud, MN for Thanksgiving and have a pregnancy scare. Ted, Robin, and Barney spend time at a soup kitchen for Thanksgiving. Lately, I've been going on to the dating online scene. Here are some thoughts I've been struggling with that I don't know who to share with.

First, my wife and I's sex life was ruined by the pursuit of children. We tried for five years unsuccessfully. Medically, we're both able to but it never happened. In the end, having sex was depressing. I could look into her eyes and see her asking me, "what's the point?" We're both 34 years old and I know she regrets being with me. That hurts. I want kids. I do. I didn't in the beginning and she was ok with that but somewhere along the way it became a deal breaker. That's unfair. I hope she has her kid. She'd be a good mother.

Second, this kid thing is looming over me as i'm encountering a sea of guarded single mothers. Looks I like a showed up to the party too late because everyone seems so angry. I'm this open-hearted guy, with nothing to hide, meeting people who assume I'm like everyone else they've encountered.

Here's the deal. I do want to have sex with you if i'm attracted to you and that should be OK. Otherwise what's the point? Isn't that part of a relationship leading to marriage? I am not going to try to trick you or deceive you. I don't do that. It is a matter of character and I'd like to think that I have some. When I look at your profile I want to connect not audition because it goes both ways.

The single mothers are new to me. How do I fit in their lives? It has been said that the greatest threat to a man is the creation of a child because in doing that they are bringing into being the person that their wives will love more than them. For women living established lives that do not need a man where do I fit in their lives? For women unestablished, my job and home are an aphrodisiac. I am going to miss the woman that was with me when I was nothing. There was comfort in not having to doubt that motivation. Even now, she has remained true to her word. We are doing a no contest divorce with everything divided by half. If everything goes as planned I should be divorced by May or June with minimal headache.

I tell you all this because after you eliminate all the single mothers, older divorced women, you are left with very few unmarried single ladies with kids. This is depressing. Who among you would be interested in going out with a short Hispanic guy with a nice smile and sad eyes only to one day have the pleasure of enjoying 45 seconds of disappointing yet entertaining fun that might lead to something long term in which whose spawn if ever implanted might be the antichrist? Dear lord. WTF?

Thanksgiving
Ted says that his thanksgiving didn't go well but that having people in his life is what made it possible to get through the rough spots. I don't have anyone. Every holiday I spent it alone since we lived in a very small town. We moved to Dallas recently and i'm still meeting people here. I have friends from high school but not anyone who I can call and talk to.

Episode 1, Episode 8 (The Duel)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 8 (The Duel)

The Duel VS Change (Day 22)

In this episode, Ted struggles with change when Lily moves in with him and Marshal. Marshal and him end up in a sword duel at the end that brings them together as they both deal with the changes that are happening in their lives.

This is where I'm at in life. I'm struggling with this change I've facing. I wish I hadn't snooped because in the first two weeks prior to the creation of the blog I was dealing with being alone. I was OK with the way everything ended. I was ready to tackle the daunting task of evolving into the 30s me. FYI: I struggle everyday with learning to cook. A topic for another day. 

Tonight I write you after another serious trigger. My wife took the remainder of her stuff and our dog. His name was Teddy. This isn't a picture of him but this is what he looks like. He's adorable. We've raised him since he was one month old.

I didn't think I would miss the dog as much as I am. Oh, boy. I'm so glad none of you know who I am. So here it is. I'm still evolving except I'm limping along with a bit of a heartache. The anxiety attacks come and go but not as bad as the first week. I'm writing here, using Tinder to talk to strangers, and working like crazy. I'm sleeping well. Peacefully. I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night scared of the dark and sad when I realize I'm alone in bed. I've gone out but I'm still talking about my wife. The exception is that I'm only meeting up with friends and new friends who know what's up. I'm happy to report that by doing this I've been able to keep crazy at bay and be normal during work hours where my professionalism is important to me. 

I still haven't been able to go to the shop to play a game in over two months. I'm not ready. I don't know why it is so hard except it was core to one of our issues. She hated that I went to the shop. I left her alone way too long. I don't think this will be resolved until I do the whole confrontation thing and the goodbye closure thing. I know I'm not right because I'm not doing anything that is normal to me. 

Music listened to while writing:  Eric Clapton, 

Season 1, Episode 7 (Matchmaker)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 7 (Matchmaker)

My Only Match

In this episode, Ted goes to a matchmaker and discovers that his only match is getting married. Dear reader, I don't have a deep connection to this episode so I'll cover some highlights then use this entry as an excuse to give an update.

Somewhere along the way I accepted this feeling. I didn't think about it much actually. I was resigned to the decisions I'd made and that was that. Kind of depressing. Now? I don't feel that way anymore. Everyday that passes I'm discovering new things about myself and the world that I like. Like yesterday, I decided that that I like color. I went searching for waste baskets at a thrift store and now i'm repurposing some colorful ones that are totally masculine and colorful. 

As for the matchmaker thing, I'm not sure I subscribe to the only one theory. In the episode, everyone gets a match rating. OkCupid does something similar. I don't think the number is supposed to me that they are the one but more that it gives you an indication of those similar to you that you get along with. I wish the world had the rating. Like wouldn't it be cool if we had badges that gave our name, criminal history, and people compatibility rating? Super cool. I don't just mean romantically. I digress, I think it is pretty cool to see the answers other people give compared to yours on OkCupid. Enough of this. Update time.

Facing Solitude

I did it. No, I didn't find a one night stand or a FWB. More on that later. I contacted my wife on Saturday. In five text messages, I made arrangements for her to do our taxes, transfer phone responsibilities, and arrange for her to come get the leftover stuff she left behind. It was overwhelming. This has been looming over me the entire week. I need this to be over. Its like breaking up all over again every time this person pops up and the idea that I'm going to look at the phone and get a message is hard.

Friday I was thinking about this and feeling bad so I decided to go to a bar. (Read blog entry Season 1, Episode 6 for a recap of my state of mind. ) In fact, I decided to visit three bars just for good measure. One thing to note is that I'm a 5 foot 2 inches Hispanic diabetic that can't drink, hates bars, and is scared of people.

I was going to try to execute my FWB plan. I drove around until I found a bar near my home. I parked. I did some breathing exercises in the car. I walked in to see everyone in fancy suits. I was wear t shirt and jeans. Is this normal? 

Four really tall black guys greeted me as a giant would a hobbit and when they spoke I swear that the Dwarfs in the mountains could hear it. I immediately surmised that I was in the wrong place and left. I came home. That was it.

I went home to face the solitude. I reflected about what was going on and realized that I just needed to get this next thing over it and that no woman's vagina was going to help me send that text. (Don't get me wrong, the force is strong with me but I don't think I'm going to find that and I can't do the serious relationship right now because my heart hurts.)

This means that I put a clock on getting my condo in order. She will be here next Saturday at noon. I have to go through the rest. That's been hard. I keep finding pictures, papers, her crap everywhere, and it makes me sad. To combat this effect, I've decided to nerd out my condo. My going through stuff is now about me and my new life. I'm rearranging things and planning for what will go on the walls and future projects to work on. I guess in psychology they call this 

Here's the wiki entry on it.  

In psychology, sublimation is a mature type of defense mechanism where socially unacceptable impulses or idealizations are unconsciously transformed into socially acceptable actions or behavior, possibly resulting in a long-term conversion of the initial impulse.

That's it for now. I word to people reading this blog. Thank you. I know for a fact a few people are reading. Keep reading. I know it is deeply personal and kind of cool in a watch a car wreck sort of way. I'm cool with you being here. I'm trying to get better. I'm healing and your presence is helping. If you feel like leaving a comments below please do so. I may or may not respond.

Season 1, Episode 6 (Slutty Pumpkin)

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 6 (Slutty Pumpkin)

The Slutty Pumpkin

I'm not quite ready to talk about my idealized woman. I'm not sure yet.  Ted waits every year on Halloween for this girl he thinks is the one. It is totally lame but romantic. I gave up a long time ago that I could feel this way. However, the one gift that I've been given is intense pain. I love it. Sort of. I haven't felt anything in years. Do you know what this means? I can feel passion. I can be romantic. (If you ask my wife she'll tell you i'm incapable. Irony) There's hope for me. There's a slutty pumpkin out there for me.

How to Get Over Your Ex

OK, here's my plan. Before I can go for the slutty pumpkin I have to work my emotional plan. I have to figure out how to get over my ex. I have to process each emotion and deal with it. I want to be healthy. I'm happy to report that all the things that were causing me anxiety from last week have subsided. Now? I think I'm ready to process the cheating.

I've been going to a Tuesday night divorce support group. They gave me a checklist that I must overcome before I can start dating again. (I've lost the paper. I'll pick one up in another week and post it).

I'm OK with 12 out of 16 of the things. Seriously. I've sort of been alone for a while. Whining on an Internet blog aside I'm pretty awesome in life. To steal a line from a friend (cause it is true), "I  go back and forth from raging narcissism and crippling insecurity (thanks friend)."

Here's the deal. I need to see my ex a few times before this is all over. She doesn't know that I know about her cheating. Before I moved her out we agreed to half and half and I'm good with that. I keep our condo. Before I can have closure on this thing I need to find the strength to see her and not give it away. I don't want to fight.

I've asked to not be contacted by my wife. It messed me up the first text I got from her. I got rid of all her things that reminded me of  her in our home. I've boxed some things up but it is a process. You're saying goodbye through this and it is completely normal. I'm currently working through taking back all the rooms in the house. So far, I've done 70 percent of the home.

I have sex issues but those will be resolved easily enough. It is about false insecurities that resulted from this experience. I've decided that I love being in a caring monogamous relationship. The sex is always great. It is warm and comforting and with the right girl can be fun and playful as well. I will have this again one day.

As Ted says, "I know that the love of my life isn't just going to magically walk through that door at 2:43 am in the morning but this seems as nice a spot as any." That's right brother. Waiting. That's the hard part.

Anyways, I tell you all this to explain my next step. I really want to find a willing rebound. It isn't about the sex. Its about change and healing. I can't get the images of her new lover laughing at me out of my head. It hurts. From the logs, this guy is obsessed and joyful with taking someone's wife. My poor little wife is so emotionally needy right now that she can't see that she's just a trophy. She's an accomplishment. I hate her for allowing this to happen. He's laughing! I've buried this over the last week as I was getting used to learning to cook and being alone.

When my wife texted me it was to ask about coming to pick up her stuff. She left her wedding dress. It is sitting in the dinning room under a blanket. Here's the deal. I have accepted that this isn't personal. My wife did not wake up one day with the intention to hurt me. She's been respectful and as careful as one can be during a break up. I recognize that she needed this to give her the strength and I didn't stop her. I wanted out too. However, I hate her for allowing this man to dishonor her and by proxy me.

And there you have it. I keep thinking if I power level myself up with experiences that I'll find the strength to see her again. I need to do our taxes. I need to fake a conversation to get her to sign the decree. I need to tell her that I know. That's the most important part. Before I can pursue my slutty pumpkin, I need to do all of this. I need closure.

Fuck. I'm not that guy. I need to be.

So reader if you know of someone contact me. Thanks to the few who are reading this blog. It helps to know that I have a small audience. Leave a response.

LVL10GoodGuy in Dallas, TX

Season 1, Episode 5 "Okay Awesome"

LVL 10 Good Guy Blog (How I Met Your Mother Read Along) Season 1, Episode 5 (Okay Awesome)

Dipping Stuff in Cheese with Boring People

I get it. Why is there such pressure to evolve into an adult state? I never got this. Somehow there seemed to be a rush to get the car, the house, and the kids. I never understood this at all. I am perfectly ok with living on a boat with the bare minimum. There's really not much in life that I need except the right girl. I hated this phenomenon. I don't have a deep insight for you on this one. Let's move on.

Okay Awesome
For the last few years I wanted to be free to go be awesome. It was never an option for me. My wife was so boring, the queen of boring, of Boredville in the Kingdom of Bordenium. It was one of the central reasons why we're not together or why I didn't want to continue the relationship. Here's the deal I'm different and I don't have any interest in going out except if it is in the pursuit of some physical love. If I can get that from a woman I'm all good.

Today is the first Friday I spent alone. I ate, watched TV, then cleaned out the master bathroom. I moved my stuff in there and cleaned out all her crap. It feels like its mine now. God, I want to get laid. I want to rest my head on some one's chest and hear them breathe. I want it to be OK. I want to be OK. My chest hurts. I struggle with my hormones and the crippling fear of leaving my home. It is so comfortable here. Just saw a movie called "This Thing with Sarah" Awesome movie. Totally speaks to my situation. I would love nothing better than to find a rebound girl I can't hurt. That's the catch. I can't use anyone. I am immensely honest. The guilt would kill me. I can't bring harm to another if I can help it.

What do I do, dear reader? I have never been to a bar or done the night scene. Should I go? I don't drink. I'm a small guy. Someone can hurt me. I don't know.